I should have been happier. I turned 25 yesterday, another milestone towards retirement. I would rather be anywhere than work at the moment, its just a shame that everything I have is based on the money I earn as a guard.

I found out today that more and more staff are taking the side of what appears to be my arch-enemy MD. He has decided that everyone should hear about how malicious I am regarding staff without passes (if you have no idea what I am on about, look two posts down). I have been informed that I am no longer welcome in my home depot staffroom, and I should take myself elsewhere. Not really caring much anymore, I now sit out on the platform, reading a book or doing my paperwork. I am hoping that this new management position goes my way, it would make a nice door for me to leave by.

I worked a service through Woking today, and that absolutely darling station manager Sarah was there. I don't usually find myself attracted to petit women, but there is just something about her, she talks and has the sweetest voice, she has very little knowledge about the railway yet the way she interacts with people makes up for her lack of working know-how. But she has a man in the picture, as I do a lady, so maybe she will never know how I feel about her.

I can't believe what I have written down for my days food intake.... Have I really only eaten half a tube of pringles all day? I don't even feel hungry.

08 August

Its my grandfathers birthday today, or it would have been. He passed over back in March and it feels kind of empty not needing to buy him a bottle of scotch this year. He spent 6 or 7 years telling us that each birthday was going to be the last he sees, and he finally drank himself to the grave. All I can think about is the day we commited his ashes to the sea, and seeing the little wooden box sinking to the bottom of the solent.

Obviously I do not feel like working today, even less so because I have to have a blood test tomorrow morning. I have my lunch at around noon, and realise that is all I can have. By the time my break comes around I will be within my fasting period that one must have before a blood test. Again however, I have not noticed the lack of food, maybe I only eat food when I see it!

Getting to Havant train station, I went into the convenience store for a paper and bottle of coke. A couple of lads, possibly around the 18 mark, were refused alcohol by the staff. I was in the queue behind them, but when I went outside, you could see the lads giving some money to a group of kids who were more likely around 10 or 12, saying that the shopkeper had refused them! Thank god he did, I would rather NOT see a gang of 10, 11, 12 years olds falling about the town swigging cider!

2100: I am sitting here working this train and I wonder why the hell I am still doing it. To be honest I know I am trapped in the job because of the money I earn and the mortgage I pay, and I can't afford a paycut. Maybe I should think about new careers, maybe go back into the casino business seeing if they would take me on directly as a manager. Sure, I would have to re-awuaint myself with the changes in the law, but I am sure I could remeber the basics!

09 August

I had the dreaded bloodtest this morning. I HATE NEEDLES. They were checking my blood pressure, and they said it was a little high.... Course it is.... cos your about to ruddy STAB ME! Doh!

I got back, had a quick nap then headed to work, not realising of course (until afterwards) that I in fact have gone 24 hours without eating... This one meal a day lark could catch on if I don't feel hungry. It didn't last though....

Today I had a Chicken Mayo and sweetcorn sandwich for lunch
An Egg and Cress half-bagette for my break at work
And an odd concoction for dinner.... I made up some tuna mayo and stuck grilled bacon, cheese and sweetcorn all into it, and just ate it like that.... I must be weird or something.

10 August

I am enjoying the first of 4 days off. And filling myself up on calories! Two chicken and broccoli lattices for lunch (on their own... Bit tastelss really without potato or veg but hey...) and two Microwave pepporoni pizzas for dinner! Then I went to the pub and had 5 bottles of Strongbow Cirrus.....

Not really much to report.... Spent most of the dayin front of the computer, and the rest in the pub!

11 August

Happy Birthday to Meeeeeeeeeee.

25 and not looking a day over 24! I wish! Got 9 birthday cards. Not bad really!

Had a surprise phone call from the doctor this morning. The blood results are back, and I gotta go have some more, due to something going wrong with my liver. His first question was "Do I really only drink 15 pints a week" which I do, and thats if I am having a really good week. I have cut my drinking a lot since joining the railway. So I have to have an ECG week monday, then have a "chat" with the doctor about what could be causing my liver to fail (gall stones, over-drinking, etc). Maybe I am about to go onto a booze free diet (oh please no...no... NOOOOOOOOO) but considering I get my driving licence back next week, it might be a good idea.

I went out with my bestest buddie Tamara to Chicago Rock Cafe in Portsmouth. The misses is still living with mummy and daddy, so she could not get down for it... doesnt matter! At £1.50 a pint until 9pm, we drunk a fair bit, then decided at 9.30 that it was time to head home... with a bottle of vodka, and some mixers....

We got back to my place and did not open the vodka, we fell asleep instead!

My darling partner also dropped another bombshell on me tonight. Shes sold her car! Not only that, but she has been advertising it in the AutoTrader for a few weeks! Thanks for telling me, 2 days after you handed it over! She now wants a second hand Dahwoo Matiz, with low mileage, for under £2k.... GOOD LUCK!

12 August

Suppose I had better clean up. My "darling" is bing dropped off by her parents in a bit. They don't know I have not got a car with me, so I got to be out when they turn up... I've bluffed it for 9 months, I am not going to let them in on my criminal secret th week before I get my car back!